Beyond "think positive": finding self-compassion when feeling watched, suspicious, or scared.
Portrait with hand on mustache, Samuel Jessurun de Mesquita
Have you ever been struggling with intense fears or suspicions, and someone tells you "it's all in your head" or "you just need to stop worrying"? Maybe you're feeling watched or targeted, your anxiety is through the roof, and someone dismisses it with "you're overthinking things." If you're like many of us, those kinds of responses probably weren't helpful - and might have even made you feel more alone in your experience.
Real self-compassion is completely different from dismissing or minimizing your concerns. It's not about denying your experiences or pushing away difficult feelings. Instead, it's about creating a gentler way to be with yourself when things are hard.
Say you're at the store and feeling convinced other shoppers are watching you and whispering about you. A dismissive response might look like: "You're being paranoid. Nobody's paying attention to you."
Self-compassion looks more like: "This is really scary and uncomfortable. It makes sense I'm feeling anxious right now. What do I need to feel a bit safer in this moment?"
See the difference? One dismisses your experience, while the other acknowledges your feelings and responds with understanding.
Research is showing this compassionate approach can make a real difference. In a recent study, people who learned self-compassion skills reported feeling "more at ease with myself" and "better in my skin" (Heriot-Maitland et al., 2023). Another study found that practicing self-compassion actually helped reduce paranoid thoughts and anxiety over time (Forkert et al., 2022).
Want to try it out? Here are some practical ways to start:
Notice and name what's happening: "I'm feeling really scared and suspicious right now"
Remind yourself this is a human experience: "Many people struggle with these kinds of fears"
Ask yourself with genuine care: "What would help me feel a bit safer right now?"
Maybe that means:
Taking some slow breaths
Texting a supportive friend
Finding a quiet spot to regroup
Using a grounding technique that works for you
One participant in a recent study described it well: "I've definitely felt that I can make myself feel more relaxed... I'm seeing things more rationally" (Braehler et al., 2013). The key is practice and patience. You're not trying to make the difficult feelings go away - you're learning to respond to them, and to yourself, with more understanding.