Making the best of the holidays after going no contact with family
Vacation!, Joel Gonsalves
The holidays can be challenging when you've chosen to go no contact with family. For many, this season brings an overwhelming mix of joy, nostalgia, and societal pressure to engage with traditions that often center around family gatherings. If you’ve made the brave and difficult decision to step away from unhealthy familial relationships, you might be wondering how to navigate this time of year without falling into overwhelming isolation, guilt, or sadness. Here are some ways to create a meaningful and fulfilling holiday season on your own terms.
1. Acknowledge your journey and your feelings
It’s normal to feel a range of emotions—grief, relief, guilt, loneliness, or even peace—when you’re estranged from family during the holidays. Instead of pushing these feelings away, give yourself permission to feel them. Journaling, talking with a trusted friend, or working through emotions with a therapist can help you process and validate your experience. Many therapists offer holistic therapy approaches or non-pathologizing therapy, which focus on healing without judgment or labels. Remember, your choice to go no contact was likely made for your well-being, and it’s okay to hold space for mixed emotions.
Resource: Jonice Webb: 4 steps to process an emotion
2. Redefine what the holidays mean to you
The holidays don’t have to look like the glossy, family-filled images portrayed in movies or advertisements. Take this opportunity to decide what the season means to you. Perhaps it’s a time for rest, self-reflection, or creating your own traditions. You might choose to celebrate with friends, volunteer, take a vacation, or simply use the time to recharge. Redefining the holidays can be empowering and freeing.
Some ideas include:
Connecting with nature.
Practicing mindfulness meditation, yoga, or scheduling a single session therapy appointment or massage to stay grounded.
Creating new traditions with friends, like hosting a “chosen family” dinner.
Traveling, taking a class, or doing something just for your enjoyment.
3. Build connection with chosen family and community
Estrangement doesn’t mean isolation. Many people build meaningful connections outside their biological family. Lean into your chosen family, whether they are friends, partners, a spiritual/religious group, or a supportive LGBTQIA+ community.
Host a "Friendsgiving" or holiday dinner with chosen family or close friends.
Spend the day doing something you love, like hiking, baking, or exploring a new hobby.
Watch a favorite movie marathon or try a themed activity, like cooking international holiday dishes.
Write a letter to your future self about what you’re proud of this year and your hopes for the next.
The key is to focus on what brings you joy and meaning, free from external expectations.
4. Lean into your community
While you may not have biological family to turn to, your chosen family—friends, partners, colleagues, or even online communities—can provide connection and warmth during the holidays. Reach out and make plans with people who uplift and support you. If in-person gatherings aren’t feasible, virtual connections, like a holiday Zoom party, can also bring comfort and joy.
5. Manage guilt or reminders of loss with self-compassion
Going no contact with family is a big decision, and the holidays can stir up feelings of guilt, self-doubt, or shame. Practicing self-compassion can help you stay grounded and remind you why you made this choice to support your well-being. Guilt often arises when we set boundaries, especially during family-centered holidays, but compassion-focused psychotherapy offers valuable tools for being kinder to yourself during stressful times.
A simple way to tap into self-compassion is to ask yourself: What advice or support would I give to a friend in this situation? Turning this same kindness toward yourself can help you reframe feelings of guilt and begin to treat yourself with care. You can also engage in soothing activities, like meditation, taking a relaxing bath, or listening to uplifting music, to create moments of peace and comfort.
Resource: Kristen Neff: Self Compassion Break
6. Volunteer, give back, or celebrate time and a half day by working
One way to find purpose and connection during the holidays is to volunteer or support those in need. Many organizations look for extra help this time of year, whether it’s serving meals, organizing donations, or writing cards for people in nursing homes. Giving back can remind you that the holidays are about kindness, connection, and generosity. If your work is open during the holidays, this can be a great way to keep busy and receive holiday pay!
7. Seek support when needed
If this season feels overwhelming, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Many therapists offer single-session therapy for short-term support, while approaches like trauma counseling or psychodynamic therapy can help you process the reasons behind your decision to go no contact. You might also consider alternative therapies like compassion-focused therapy, movement-based therapy for stress relief, or mind-body therapy to reconnect with yourself during this challenging time.
Online communities can also be a lifeline. There are supportive Facebook groups for adult children of emotionally immature parents and Reddit groups where you can find others navigating similar experiences. These spaces can provide validation and practical coping tools when you feel isolated. Additionally, warm lines—peer support lines often staffed by people who may also be spending the holidays away from family—are a compassionate and nonjudgmental resource you can call if you need someone to talk to.
8. Recognize That No Contact Isn't Always Absolute
Going no contact doesn't necessarily mean completely cutting off every single family member forever. It's okay to have a more nuanced approach that protects your emotional well-being while leaving room for selective, healthy connections. You might:
Maintain contact with a supportive sibling or a favorite aunt who respects your boundaries
Create clear, limited communication channels with certain family members who have proven themselves trustworthy and supportive
Use controlled methods of communication like occasional emails or carefully managed phone calls
Set strict boundaries about topics, frequency, and depth of interactions
Temporarily go no contact to allow you time to process something without unhelpful feedback or opinions.
The goal is to prioritize your mental health while leaving the door slightly open for relationships that don't compromise your well-being. This might mean:
Communicating with a family member who has shown genuine effort to understand and respect your experiences
Keeping minimal contact with a grandparent who has always been kind to you
Responding to occasional messages from a sibling who supports your healing journey
Remember, no contact is about protecting yourself, not about absolute isolation. It's perfectly valid to have a sliding scale of connection that you control. Some family relationships might be completely closed, while others might have carefully managed, limited interaction. The key is to make choices that serve your emotional health and personal growth.
Your boundaries are valid, and you get to decide the extent and nature of your family connections. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to managing family relationships after going no contact.
Conclusion
Choosing to go no contact is about honoring your emotional health and creating space for growth. This holiday season, focus on healing, building connections with your chosen support system, and finding moments of peace and joy.
Your path may look different, but it’s yours—and that’s worth celebrating.